It's hard to believe that it has been almost a year since my last entry!! Shame on me!! As the seasons change, so do our lives. This year has been full of change for me in all areas of my life. I can't believe that Coady has been gone for almost 4 years. In one way it feels like it happened only yesterday, the pain is still so real and so strong. But on the other hand it feels like my life drags on and the darkness doesn't ever end. Work is out of control with foreclosures coming in at every turn. I feel like I meet myself coming and going, and I guess that's a good thing as far as making a living. I hate that people are losing their homes at eveey turn. I am thankful that I have mine, even if I don't get to see it much! Joe and I found ourselves at the end of the road and too tired to keep trying. All of the events over the past several years finally caught up with us and we gave up trying. I feel like a feather in the wind and that I really don't belong anywhere or have a purpose. The house Is very lonely and quiet when I do get to be there. Summer has kept me busy with the yard and work, so I have made it ok I guess, who knows what the winter will bring. I have had some really great friends that have kept me busy and been there for me when I do meltdown.
So as the leaves change and blow around, I will be like one of them and see what color I turn and where the wind blows me.
Well, as the leaves turn colors and begin to fall, I look around and think "where did the summer go?" It seems like one minute we were opening up the pool and the next thing I know, we were closing it for the winter.....I turned around and summer was GONE!!! I think that this was due in part to all of our "projects" that we seem to have done during this past summer....Not only did we do many around our own house, and still have a few to do, I helped out my friends in putting granite tiles down in her kitchen and tumbled slate as her backsplash. It turned out very pretty, then the girl went and sold her home....needless to say, I was not happy about her leaving....she moved almost an hour away and if feels like she has moved to another country. As for our house, we started out doing the work ourselves, putting travertine down in the masterbath, that was a job, laying 18 inch tiles is no easy task. They are HEAVY!!! I won't even begin to go into the help that I got...Joe was great on the cutting with the wet saw, but when he was using a spoon to put grout in the grout lines, I don't even have the time to discuss our conversation, just suffice it to say that I think my blood pressure may have shot up a bit....then we started on the grilling deck for all our grills and smokers, we did get that done by 4th of July and enjoyed it very much, had all the family over and it was great until it started storming, but fortunately we had the front porch turned into a sunroom and everyone converged there and the living room and so all was not lost. Then after that, we decided we would just hire someome to redo the guest bath and the kitchen....that was a little hectic, going from 2 bathrooms to one for a couple of weeks made for a challenging situation at best. I don't know how families ever made it with one bathroom.... I guess you do what you gotta do....but all is done now, new bathroom completely updated with tumbled slate shower and slate floors, new granite counters for the vanity and new fixtures throughout. We painted the entire house again, and updated the kitchen, my favorite room now, with granite counters, glass backsplash and all new appliances....then we moved outside to do some more projects and finally got a huge, and I do mean huge, RV shed that stores the RV, boat and truck....it looks like a small fire department has taken up on the corner of our property....now we just have the privacy fence to finish over there to make it look a little better....there never seems to be a stopping place. But, somehow this last month found me and Joe, my brother and Rich all going over to take on the huge project of putting in new floors and painting for my Dad. We took a long weekend and all of us piled in and made huge progress on getting dad's house back in order. To help him breath a little better, we ripped up all his living room carpet, and replaced it with wood flooring, which turned out really beautiful, we painted all the rooms and cleaned until it all sparkled. It made a tremendous difference. Now if we can just keep him on track and keep the progress going. I think if he gets his bathroom redone, he will be set for a little while. Then I looked up and all the leaves had started changing and realized that fall was here and I didn't even have all my Halloween or fall stuff out.....no time to catch my breath and relax, its holiday time and time to start gift projects.....and I wonder where my time goes.....
Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died, you know
Don't worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry
I'm already crying inside
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent
Pretending it doesn't exist
I'd rather you'd mention my child
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I'm doing.
I say "Pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something on-going
I feel it will take a lifetime.
By Elizabeth Dent
Mom was thinking about you Coady and I came across this from my bereaved parents group, and I wanted you to know you are always on my mind.
Bees are buzzing everywhere, daffodils are blooming, the forsythia has the trees all golden and green is peeping out all around. Even the birds seem to sense that the cold of winter has passed and summer is around the next bend. My heart is still bitter cold with reality even though I see all the beauty of spring. Joe and I have been busy cleaning the yard up after the long winter. The ice took its toll on some of our trees and we lost the big plum tree that Coady and his Grandpa planted when we first moved in. One of the hurricanes that came through made it lean and we were waiting until spring to trim it up and hopefully get it back straight, well the ice beat us to it and laid it over. It broke my heart to see it down. Some times I feel like I am losing more and more of Coady. His dogs, his guns that were stolen, his games that were taken during the break-in, and now just little things that were left that had memories of him planting with Grandpa...gone....where does it end. Sometime is just seems like there is no purpose to life anymore. Just existing and not actually living.
I have picked up my paint brush again and have started painting some "art" if you can call it that. I think it is pretty good and I do enjoy it while I am doing it. I guess I enjoy the company just about as much as anything. There are times that I get frustrated trying to accomplish what I see in the picture I am trying to paint, and I don't realize that I have become tense. But for the most part, all of us in there enjoy laughing and just spending time together. It is a mixed bag of humans in that class, but a good class none the less.
I am going to try and have a garden again this year....we will see how it goes. I am out of canned tomatoes, so I know I have to at least try. I used to could say that it was cheaper just to buy them, but here lately, I think it will be cheaper to grow them, thank you!!! My lettuce is already poking its way out of the ground, and I have put out some herbs that didn't make it through the ice. But my biggest goal will be my tomatoes and cucumbers and of course the okra, squash, peppers and such....just thinking about it makes my mouth water..We can't have a huge one because the deer just eat everything up....we get so mad because they are enjoying the fruits of our harvest a lot more than we get to, so now we are forced to grow them in raised beds within the chainlinked back yard where Sam can guard it and keep them away...not that he is doing such a good job with the rabbits or squirrels....I think his eye sight might be slipping or else he is just too darn lazy to do anything about it...he will chase them if he thinks we are looking, otherwise he just raises his eyebrow and turns his head, then back to nap town....what a dog...I think I would want to come back in life as my dog....
Well enough for tonight, I need to write a story on Coady's website, so I need to get going. Hopefully the next time I write, we will be enjoying some of the garden veggies....
As I sit here at my kitchen table looking out over the back yard watching the birds fly in and around eating and playing around on all the ice, its hard to believe another year has come and gone since Coady's death. I can't believe it has been 2 years since I have heard his voice or seen his beautiful smile. His 22nd birthday was the 7th of this month too. It just doesn't seem possible and I can't understand why God would do something like this to me or to him. The cold, cloudy weather makes it more difficult to handle. The ice has been pretty glistening off the trees, but it has wreaked havoc on them, we have several huge broken limbs off of our pines and cedars, one of the plum trees has been completely uprooted and has fallen over, and several other shrubs and bushes gave in to the weight of the ice. I don't know if it did anything to my daffodils or not, they were peeping their heads above the earth the other day when I checked on everything.
With this cold yukky weather we're having, Joe and I have been searching and searching the market trying to find a new home, but nothing seems to be cathcing our eye, maybe that is our sign from God that we should stay put...who knows...we have been doing some catching up on things that needed done. We repaired the ceiling in the foyer where the chimney leaked last spring. I thought that it would be a pretty simple task and was I wrong!!! But I honestly think that anything that Joe attempts to do takes twice as long because he doesn't follow directions. He just isn't a handy man at all in any sense of the word. It is usually easier for me to just do it than to ask for his help, I can always get it done faster. We started scraping the ceilings last Saturday and in the middle of it, I got a call and had to leave, so he finished. Well that was all we got done that day because he had made lunch plans with his friends and then we had to go to Lowe's. So Sunday we cut the hole out where the damamge was, that was where the mess started....it was horrible, dust went everywhere, over the entire house, then he like to have never got the little piece cut to fit, I don't know what was so hard about it, it was small, but he couldn't seem to get it, after 2 days we finally got it in there and then the plastering came. I did that and it seemed to go pretty smoothly. However, once we starting looking to see how smooth all the other areas of the ceiling were, we decided that the entire ceiling would have to be resurfaced in order to get a smooth look to paint. Not to mention, if we did one ceiling we were going to have to do all the ceilings....we felt this was just pretty much an impossible do it yourselfer, and personally I didn't think my patience would hold out and one of us would not make it. So we wound up renting a sprayer and put the acoustic back on, all in all if you disregard the huge mess, Joe did a fairly decent job of respraying...it looks ok. Now I am thinking of just putting up crown moulding before I start on the kitchen. If we are supposed to move, I just hope and pray that something comes up before I get started on another huge project. I know that once it starts getting pretty outside, I won't want to do anything inside, so I have to keep moving while it's gloomy and wait impatiently for the spring to get here so I can be outside again. Then I will be complaining because I have to mow each week...lol
Can you believe Christmas is here and gone. I can't!! It feels like I have been watching the days go by as a by-stander watching myself from outside my body going through the motions. I haven't been on here since September and I had a small health issue in October, they discovered I had high blood pressure, then on November 7th I had a stroke. I have been put through the ringer with all the test that I have had. I think they have x-rayed, MRI'd, Cat Scanned and ultra-sound everything from the top of my head to my feet trying to find out what has happened. They have narrowed it down to a blood clotting disorder and I will find out in January if I have lupus. I have never had so many test, and had so many holes poked in me....I swear that if I fell in a pool of water I would sink from all the holes. I have not felt like myself in so long, I almost forgot what it was like to have a good day. I wanted to tell them all that is was just a broken heart, that was what was wrong.
Then before I knew it Thanksgiving was here, it was horrible, I felt bad and it seemed that I was just expected to keep going and pretend that everything was ok, and it's not. I don't know if being sick has made me more emotional or if it is just this time of year, but Thanksgiving was rough, somehow I got through it. I had to let some things slide, such as Awana for several weeks, and I missed several bible study nights just because I couldn't get myself going full speed. I kept kidding everyone that this getting old ain't for sissies!!
Then Christmas was upon us, I still don't know how I managed to get through it. I feel like I am in a fog and it just isn't really here and happening. I put a tree up in Coady's room with all his ornaments and managed to get my tree up, then it took me 2 weeks to just manage to get the house decorated. This whole time, it just didn't feel like Christmas, and making crafts with my friend Sarah just felt like a process, it was like I was just getting a job done. I don't know where my Christmas Spirit has gone, but it was just something I felt like I was expected to do. I did enjoy spending time with Michael and Rich, I just like being with them and not having to be something that I am not....they accept me as I am, broken..I don't have to pretend to be happy or put on a smile to make them comfortable like I do everyone else. I always hate to see them leave, but in a way, I wish I could pack my things and leave all this behind too.
As I pack the Christmas away, my heart grows very heavy with what the upcoming month brings. Coady's 22nd birthday is just around the corner, and then the day my nightmare began is next. I try not to think about how I am going to get through it, I just try to live one moment at a time. I always wish I could go to sleep around October and wake up again in the spring and just miss all of this time of year, it holds no joy for me, only grief. Who knows if it will ever be different, I know I don't. I didn't choose this path to walk down, and it's one that I have never been before so I don't know what the outcome will be. All I know is that I will be glad for Spring.
I'm so happy that we've just added mom's second (more recent) photo album to the site. We've actually identified most of the photos from the first album, and now have around 100 photos from the new album that still need identification. Some photos may have correct titles, but are in the "to identify" folder simply because I'm not 100% sure, or the photo may have several people, some of which I can't identify.
We still have a few very old photos that still need to be ID'ed; these are perhaps the most crucial to be identified while anyone still had memories of who they are.
Thanks so much for your help! Please, if you have any additional info on any photo, such as approximate date, place or background story, pleaes leave it in the comments. I receive any comments immediately and will add it to the photo description. I'd like to build this site into something that can give our future generations a more solid hystory of where they've come from.
The good thing is that these photos are now stored forever. No longer will they fade or deteriate. Please feel free to share your photos. I try to post any photos that family currently sends me to the site to share with everyone.